Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Have you ever felt like life was just slapping you in the face? Sometimes it sure feels that way! I have been having a really hard time lately...I guess maybe I need to learn to totally let go of the past and stop allowing it to hurt me but the nightmares never seem to stop! My childhood was good until I was about 10 that was when my grandfather, whom I absolutely adored, passed away. My mother went into a depression and I became responsable for more than a 10 year old should have. I spent most of my time with my grandmother who was more like my best friend until I was 13, that was when she passed away. Many people don't know all the things that I went through and are under the impression that I am this strong person who is filled with self-esteem...nothing could be further from the truth! I have learned over the years to put on those masks and not show the "real" me as a defense to stay safe....the problem with that is I have difficulty showing that vunerable side to the people I love the most because I am afraid of loosing them...either by them leaving me, not thinking I am really worth it or dying on me. Does the pain EVER go away? Will I EVER feel like I can truely let go, trust and be safe?? I don't know...I do know that I want the pain, the anger, the fear and the nightmares to end...I want to be whole again and I want to feel that my dreams will become my reality and not my nightmares.